Monday, February 10, 2014

What I want, besides love and happiness and all that jazz

Today was one of the most unhealthy and exhausting days that I can remember. For breakfast I had a piece of white bread. Lunch was mcdonalds (for the first time in many years, and it was gross), and dinner was more white bread with olive oil. I feel sick.

via madewell's tumblr

We went to Disneyland today because my lovely friend Maria has a season pass and was able to get us really, really cheap tickets. Maria knows everything about Disney. She's so goddamn knowledgeable. I found myself thinking today that I wish I had one thing in this world that I was as good at as with Maria and Disney. But that's a pipe dream, because Maria knows everything about Disney. And she's also hilarious.

And I was just thinking today, about a lot of things. About how I want to be good at something like Maria is, and I want to be insanely smart like my ex boyfriend Spenser, and I want to be hilarious like my mother and father combined. I want to be gorgeous and thin and really charming. I want to be as classy and stylish as my grandmother Nanny and as lovable and open as my grandmother Mimi. I want to be mature but not too serious and intelligent but not condescending. I want to be a great listener and an incredible friend.

But all I think about is where I'm going next (New York) and what my life will look like in a few years (there will be school, a great job, a greater wardrobe, and a new city). And I just can't bring myself to believe that the person described in the paragraph above is already planning an escape from such a lovely life in Paris, the life that she's always wished for. I mean, why the hell is she already wanting to move on? Such is the most painful form of restlessness. There's just this horridly large gap between what I want, who I want to be and what I have, who I am. Since I'm 21, I'm sort of hoping that I still have time to figure things out. But based on my experience with other humans, I'd be lucky to attain just one quality on the list. Let's hope it's the humor, because how else am I expected to survive?

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